


Before & After

by Dalet



Series: In the Beginning [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 11:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3648258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalet/pseuds/Dalet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I love you.”</p><p>“Let’s come back alive.”</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p>Castiel, Balthazar, and tender moments before and after they march into battle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

Balthazar strolls with light, quiet footsteps into the clearing. Thick rows of trees frame the small pond in which Castiel is sitting, submerged to his shoulders. As he rounds the pond’s edge, passing Castiel’s carefully folded uniform on the ground, Balthazar can see that his eyes are gently, his chin brushing the water’s surface where his head hangs forward.

Is he praying, or simply meditating before the battle? It’s time to march, but Balthazar doesn’t dream of interrupting him; he sits carefully down on the grass and waits.

“Balthazar.” Castiel doesn’t turn his head, or open his eyes, but he smiles. Balthazar smiles back.

“The others are ready, just waiting on our captain,” he answers the unvoiced question happily.

“I understand. Will you help me dress?” Castiel stands slowly, stretches, and climbs out of the water. Balthazar watches him fondly as he approaches, reaching for Castiel’s uniform as requested.

“Of course.”

Piece by piece, Balthazar slips the clothing onto Castiel’s outstretched, still soaking limbs, winding and binding it carefully around his torso, snapping clasps and skillfully adjusting the formal breastplate, decorated with the feathers of honourably fallen comrades. His fingers skim up Castiel’s sides to his light flushing cheeks.

Castiel leans forward, his forehead pressing against Balthazar’s.

“I love you.”

“Let’s come back alive.”

“Please.”

“I love you, too.”

Balthazar tilts his head up, pressing a lingering kiss to Castiel’s brow. Castiel smiles for a long moment, then straightens up and draws a deep breath.

“Let’s march.”


	2. After

Balthazar laughs as they half-walk, half-stumble into the clearing, leaning against each other and leaving a trail of blood drops in the dark grass. Castiel is silent, heavier, as though he’s injured and Balthazar is carrying his weight.

But the blood isn’t theirs, and Balthazar pulls ahead as they approach the pond, tearing off and tossing his uniform haphazardly onto the ground with a loud sigh of satisfaction. He leaps into the water and disappears deep beneath the surface, letting the waves settle before he bursts back out, finally leaning back against the ridge with another breathlessly happy laugh, arms thrown casually over the sides.

Castiel doesn’t follow, sinking tiredly down onto the grass near the pond’s edge. After a minute, calmer, Balthazar turns to him, motioning him closer with a sweet, almost sensual wave of his hand. Castiel shifts towards him, sitting back on his heels as Balthazar tugs at his uniform, pushing it off, aside, and gently, gently pulling Castiel into the water and onto his lap.

As Castiel rests against him, Balthazar cups his hands over and over into the water, running them up and down their bodies and limbs, washing away the sweat, grime, and the few flecks of blood splattered across their skin. Then they sit in silence, Balthazar’s fingers dancing feather-light against Castiel’s lower back.

“Please, my love, what is it?” he murmurs. “What’s troubling you?”

“I… Lately, I…” Castiel starts to answer after a long moment, then sits up with a frustrated sigh, laying his hands on Balthazar’s arms. “It’s taken me so long to recognize it for what it is, but now I know. Balthazar, I am… I am afraid.”

Balthazar blinks in surprise. “What are you afraid of, Cassie?” he asks, softly.

“I’m…confused. I just don’t understand what’s happening to us,” Castiel answers, his head hanging. His nails start to dig into Balthazar’s skin.

“Us?”

“Heaven.” Castiel looks back up at him suddenly, his eyes reddened. “What’s happening to our home, that we’ve stood on a battlefield against our siblings, against, against—”

“An archangel.”

“On whose orders?”

“Another archangel.”

“How? Are we not all one with God? How can they make us—” Castiel stares at his hands and shakes his head in horror. “Balthazar, I’ve _killed angels_.”

“Lucifer stood against God,” Balthazar mumbles passionlessly.

“Who told us that?”

“The other archangel.” Balthazar huffs a small, bitter laugh.

“I don’t think it was right,” Castiel says very, _very_ quietly. “Balthazar, I think I’ve sinned. I think I’ve done something truly unforgivable, but _I don’t know_. I don’t know enough to disobey. I don’t know enough to take a stand, or _choose_ a side. _I don’t understand what’s happening_ and I am so very, very…”

His faint voice cracks sharply, and he sinks forward again, his cheek pressing hard into the crook of Balthazar’s neck. Balthazar winds his arms around Castiel’s body, anxiously stroking the back of his head.

He, Balthazar, has never felt fear. Fear is what he sees in his enemies, eating them up in battle, etched deeply onto their faces in their final moments. Fear is not for the righteous or the powerful, for those who, like Balthazar, have the weight of God behind their might.

Led by Castiel, led by God, Balthazar brings fear, damnation, and salvation.

But Castiel is crying on his shoulder, and Balthazar can feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

He is afraid, too.

**Author's Note:**

> "In the Beginning" is an informal, non-linear series about Castiel and Balthazar before...everything.


End file.
